Checked the mailbox today.  I was surprised, but not really, by the amount of letters I had received.  Everybody apparently has something to tell me.  N. said I was a terrible friend.  M. said I reminded him of a 100 needles from Mom.  P. said I talked too much and didn’t give him enough credit.  L. said he loves me more and more each day but now he is sick.   D. said I complained too much.  There were no letters from S. but I remembered something funny he did once.  I had been really mad at him, stewing for hours, during which I painted a screaming face in yellow on top red and blue squares.  When he finally came home he walked into my studio and saw it, he said “That’s cool, I like that.”

the end

The last three days have been the best.  Loads of stress passed and didn’t even exist.  I don’t know what to expect today.  I had a funny little experience yesterday and a dream from deep in my sleep last night.  Yesterday I went to the town square.  I like this place because it’s all paved in bricks with no grass and benches scattered around.  There’s a pavilion in the middle and a few funny little steep roofed buildings around the sides, I think for some kind of ceremony the town has every year.  I was sitting on a bench next to an old man who looked like he was asleep.  He was well dressed and had a cane resting beside him.  He looked quite sad, something about his sleeping face showed a lifetime of seriousness and boredom.  While I was looking at him he woke up and turned his head to me.  He had tiny coal black eyes that looked directly at me.  Suddenly I couldn’t breath.  He said, “be happy”, “what?” I said.  ”Stop worrying,” he answered.  I looked down at the ground, furious.  ”Everything will be all right,” he went on, “you just need a little time, and some practice”.  I looked up at him, the anger passed, replaced with amazement and wonder.  I looked back into his piercing black eyes for just a second and said, “okay”, quickly returning back down to the ground.  Who was he to say these things?  I don’t know but he did.  I heard him very clear.  I got up from the bench.  I think I told him thank you.  He had already fallen back asleep.  I want to believe him.  His words keep playing in my head loud and direct, like they did when he delivered them.

Then last night, my dream.  I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason but to see this dream, to feel it out into waking life.  The details are a little fuzzy, but I was with some other people doing a scientific experiment, systematically isolating animal energies.  After isolating them we injected them into our own bodies.  It was an experiment and also a meditation practice.  I had taken in an energy.  I felt it blast through my whole body, filling me out all the way to the edges of my skin and maybe a little more, everything felt new and black, all absorbent, and bound by white light.  It was really exciting and I woke up.

funny experienceold mantown squarebe happydon't worrydreamanimalenergy

I have been given the next three days off.  It’s a punishment mandated by D, a trial to see if I really want to keep working.  Really it’s a relief.  It doesn’t matter where or why, but it’s here.  Today is the first day.  I have to stay at the house but formally I will see no clients.  This writing is tiring me out now too.  I welcome newness, freshness, breath and freedom, COME HERE NOW!

time offpunishmentwelcome

My voice is the same, well, honestly I haven’t really listened to it, but it feels the same. I feel the same. Although today a little itchy (always itchy!), a little blurry, maybe too hungry, but the same.  Oh, and the interested eye, the strictum of yesterday, the look to understand with intensity, a complete failure.  I spent most of the day yesterday avoiding eyes actually.  There is no way I wanted to invite anyone at all, in, and I did’t want to go to someone else.  It wasn’t until D. came over, about five hours late!, I was able to sit down and look at someone.  The funny thing was, I sat right square in front of her, she sat cross-legged on the bench and I actually sat on the floor, squatting, and told her everything.  Everything meaning here is how I see it today.  No way I’m going to put that all down now, here.  That’s a one time deal.  The eye contact was also done.

This morning I had a strange dream.  I woke up missing my brother.  I don’t know what to think.  If I write him, he probably won’t write back so what’s the use?  I’m so sick of people.  How could I possibly introduce one more, even my brother.  I’m depleted.  I also know this idea of social capacity is a fantasy.  It’s my job after all, the meet, the eyes, the hand shake and the lick.

I feel pretty good today.

voiceitchyeyesinvitebrothercapacityjob requirements

D. talked with me today.  One of those can I talk to you for a moment talks. I knew it was coming, if I could have avoided it I would have, and now, well I…, ok, so this is the attempt… she said some of the clients  (I’m sure it was N.)  said my attitude… I can’t face this now!  Anyway, I’m suppose to be more HAPPY, say good morning, smile more (that’s my favorite).  Ok, I can do all that.  It’s my job.  I have been lazy lately.  I want something more, something different too, at least I want control and for the guilt to stop.  I want detachment.  I think of something N. said about his last girlfriend.  He said she was cold-hearted and reptilian.  Of course he didn’t like this quality, but to me, wow, it sounded great.  I also think of M.  He told me about a fight with his wife.  He picked up the kitchen table and knocked everything off, all the dishes and cups broke when they hit the floor.  She left him to clean it up all by himself.  He said while he swept he realized how stupid he had been.  The reason they fought was because his wife complained about how he tossed around so much in bed the night before.  It kept her awaking her all night.  M. told her he didn’t like waking up to a fight, first thing in the morning.  He got more angry at her and it turned into a bigger fight, and him breaking the dishes, getting stupid.

I wish I lived back in South America.  People just fought, it got done and then it was over.  It’s how people talked, really loud, sometimes things got broke.  You cleaned it up and got on with things.

It’s also why I liked S. so much.  People always thought we were fighting.  That one day, S. and I were talking outside and D. watching the whole thing through the window.  She asked me later what we were arguing about.  It must have been huge, all our hands flying in the air, fists, big motions and serious faces.  We were just talking.  I don’t even remember about what, catching the bus or what happened in the morning.  It always felt like I was free to tell him anything, and in anyway, good bad ugly soft.  He got it, he could listen all the way through to what was important.

Maybe this is what I need to concentrate on (I love strictums, I WILL BE or DO THIS NOW).  Looking more intensely in eyes.  Listening to what’s important.  Especially with M.  With no amount of hate, or disgust, my specialty lately.  So, NO MORE of that, from this point on.  When he drives me nuts, I just have to turn it around into intense understanding, and less, much less, of my stupid self.

Something weird happened yesterday.  My voice changed.  I had fallen asleep outside.  I was with D., we’d been talking.  She wanted to try something, a new meditation and massage technique she had just read about.  I seem to be her favorite lab rat.   We were sitting in the new pavilion D. had just built out back.  There is no furniture in it yet so she brought out pillows and mats to sit on.  I laid down and pulled a blanket over me.  I could feel D.’s hands every once and awhile, poking at my feet.  She did something to my arms and shoulders, especially my left shoulder.  I turned onto my stomach to get more comfortable and she worked on my back.  It’s here I can feel it today, between my shoulder blades, this big mass of muscle like concrete cracking.  I guess I kinda fell asleep at some point because I remember waking up.  It was twilight, the trees and their leaves dark and soft, birds were singing.  I curled up, pulling my knees to my chest, blanket wrapped and covered.  I felt so good, the most comfortable I’d ever been.  D. was lying next to me on a different mat.  We didn’t talk for a long time.  When I finally did my voice sounded strange, deeper.  I thought it was just from sleeping and not talking much, but it stayed like that all night.  I’m not sure how it is right now.  I haven’t talked much today.  I have never heard myself talk in that voice before.  I sounded old and smokey, but soothing, like aged whiskey, the first sip, when you feel it go all the way down.  I think I will try and not talk all day.

happyfightArgentinadirectives

It’s morning.  I’m drinking tea I bought in the North, when N. took me on that little trip. It tastes terrible, too watery and too strong all at the same time.  I remember drinking it for the first time in the hotel’s garden.  N. had already gone out to take care of his business.  The tea tasted so good.  I sat for hours in the garden, high on caffeine, watching waves of tourists come in for breakfast and those ridiculously cute waiter boys, young and polite in their white shirts and black ties.

One of these days I’m going to have to call N.  He doesn’t come by anymore.  He knows I can’t stand him.  But what?  I feel bad for my pettiness.  I want to what?  be more grown up, take responsibility, not abandon him, let him know I care (do I?).  I think I do.  I know I do.  But it’s requiring a lot of energy to make it to that place right now.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I have no energy and no patience with people.  L. wrote to me and said it’s not good to cry, at least he doesn’t want to hear I’ve been crying, he’d much rather hear I’m smiling and laughing.  I don’t think this heavy body could move that way.  Of course I think this, but as soon as I see somebody, like M. or E., I’m already laughing and having a good time.  But some times it feels impossible, or if I did it would all be fake.

Maybe I should do some laugh therapy.  I remember seeing this guy on TV when I was a kid, on the show Real People, he was walking on a tread mill while watching a comedy show.  He had electrodes taped to his chest, gathering some data.  I remember the narrator saying this man had cured his heart disease by laughing.  That makes me laugh!

It will be good to have lunch with G today.  Later I’ll meet up with D.  She has a dress she thinks I will like.  There’s a big party at L.’s tonight.  It’ll probably be boring and stuffy but M. will be there.  I might try and see R. later on.  I better start therapy right now.

teagardenpettylaugh therapy

Yesterday was the worst day ever, okay not really ever, but it was pretty horrible.  I’m not even sure I want to go all over it again now.  But here it is.   Somehow I got trapped because I wasn’t even asked, well, the question was there but my answer was not relevant.  Anyway, D. had this brilliant idea that we all must go enjoy the great outdoors because it was so beautiful (I’m starting to really despise this word) and how could we possibly stay inside anymore.  I couldn’t believe she had this idea, I was just settling in, thinking how great to be inside and comfortable, out of the world out there, looking forward to doing nothing.  The next thing I know everybody’s up and packing bags and water.  I guess the thing that tricked me was she said we’d only go for an hour since I had an appointment later on.

So here we are, this small train, D in the front, me in the middle, and M. in the back, heading up the mountain.  D. happily takes off in her big easy stride, only stopping just enough so we can see what turns and forks she takes.  M.  is enamored with everything, I kept hearing him exclaim in delight, Look!  So beautiful!  I was trying hard not to listen, which wasn’t that hard because I was busy knocking bugs and branches out of the way and these stupid little needle thorn vines that kept grabbing my clothes and cutting into my bare legs.  I felt nummb really, like I was travelling inside a frozen ice cube, sounds were all dead, unable to break thru the ice, even my eyes felt bordered in, only able to go as far as these cube paned walls.  Wierdly enough my feet and legs moved with agility and ease over the rocks and up hill, even though they were a bloody mess from those stupid vines.  D. said it brought me closer to nature, I told her I was already there too much.

I knew she had to be leading us somewhere, some lush destination in mind and I only hoped it would come soon so we could stop.  But even there, once we did get there, beside some little treasure of a free flowing creek in the shade, I just couldn’t get it.  D. and M. sat cross legged, palms open in meditation, taking deep breaths and looking wide eyed at everything.  I found a little rock perch and folded up hugging my legs, hiding my head between my knees.  It was so strange.  I felt a million years away.  Normally , a place like that I would love, feeling the air, welcoming the trickle of water constantly catching sound and sight everywhere.  But it felt like I was stuck and impenetrable, all the trees and bushes and bugs insuring I never leave, even the distant blue sky laughing at my helplessness.  The only pleasure I found was throwing things into the little rush of creek water, single boat shaped leaves hitting the water and dashing off fast.  Sometimes they’d get caught on something and they’d wiggle and try to get loose but there wasn’t enough momentum to push them through.  All it would take was a little tap from a stick and they were set loose, on their way.

Somehow the whole thing ended, but not before the water tower was climbed, a flower was uprooted for planting in the garden at home, and D. and M. insisting on practicing their little drama they are staging next week.  I did the best I could to stay out of the sun and wait patiently for them to finish.  I really didn’t want them to know how miserable all this was, they were enjoying it so much.

Another strange thing is I seemed to have developed a brand new pain in my left leg.  I swear this is all due to that crazy breathing exercise D. had us all doing last week, to free us up she said.  Ever since I only feel more frustrated and locked in.

Now today for some weird reason the only thing that sounded good was going to the park.  I am the only one without appointments today, I would have the whole house to myself.  But it all just seemed too gloomy and dark, not enough light.  So here I am now, writing this all down outside alone in the park with ants crawling on my mat, splash from the fountain, and crying kids.  It’s great.

This little kid just dumped a bag of bird food on the ground, then threw the bag down and started kicking at the birds.

Really I don’t want to keep feeling this way, or do I.  Yesterday M. was saying how it’s our decision to be whatever, happy or sad or all stuff in between.  He chooses happiness and he truly is the only person I know who sticks to that all the time.  Happiness fills him, moves his limbs and mind so thoroughly.  I told him I don’t want to be happy.  I want to feel everything.  But that is not true.  I don’t go looking for sadness or hurt.  I told him I just want to relate to all people and situations but that’s too contrived and idealistic.  Yesterday feeling stuck and frozen inside that ice cube was unreal and too much, locking all my normal perceptions in a kind of slow seething madness, disconnecting me and not allowing any joy or love.  But today I seemed to be drowning in sick love, a yearning or desire or passion. Today when I woke up my chest was burning, sweating even, but not from my lungs, from my heart.  I even screamed out in my head S.’s name and I thought about how soon I would be returning to L.  I just wanted to hide under the covers with him, sitting in the dark, our dark, just knowing he was right there.  The whole list, the whole world, continues on from there, patch-working this quilty dreamy heated want, and then reality going downstairs to see M. wishing me good morning, breakfast and tea, and now this, sun bathers and pigeons hungry for food, a police whistle, people looking for the perfect spot.  I want to sleep.  I want to eat fish at M’s.  I want to see E.  I’m sure my eyes look so sad right now.  This guy came over wanting to ask me something but he thought better of it and turned away.  N. came over last nite, she has the best laugh, making her double over it’s so big.  She wore these big bronzy glitter tear drop earrings and short black bangs cut in an arch above her brow.  Earlier K. had come over to see T.  Usually he is so annoying with his stupid jokes but he had me laughing and I was sad when he left.

worst day ever

We had a solar eclipse today.  It was totally uneventful.

M. bought some mini ears of corn from the market today, already steamed and ready to eat.  I’ve never seen these half sized corns before.  Each kernel is the same size as regular corn but the stalk is half sized.  They aren’t broken in half, you can see the stalk is finished off by growth and not broken.  We are happily eating them up.  M. and me are quite competitive when we eat, it’s actually funny, but as soon food is placed in front of us it we get so manically focused on eating just like kids in a big family who fear the food will run out before they have their fill.  Same too when one of us starts eating something the other wants it too, it all of a sudden becomes highly prized and sought after.  It’s just our chemistry creating this.  We keep competing for space and air and commodities.  Sometimes I feel like we are ancient warriors caught in a centuries long battle, just being in his presence brings out these feelings of fighting and pursuit and conquering.  But because we are trapped in these polite forms of modernity these heavy feelings gets boiled down into petty games like dining together.

I am feeling a little better lately, at least there’s moments when I can look M. in the eye and not hate everything about him, but things are far from perfection in coexistence. The mornings are the hardest.

Two days ago I fled the house, collapsing inward with inability to deal any more. Luckily I caught a taxi right away.  I told him to take me as far as he could with the little money I had in my pocket.  I didn’t care where, I just wanted to go.  I was sure distance would change my perspective, make it all go away, but it didn’t.  I sat in the back of the cab unable to even move, barely breathing.  I could feel nothing.  I thought this is what it must be like on the verge of a nervous breakdown, the kind where you need medical attention.

The taxi stopped at the K.S. shopping mall.  This place usually is so exciting and fun, I thought it would be a perfect distraction for this condition, maybe walking around and looking at stuff would bring me back.  But I kept being attracted to the strangest things, all these white tops, gauzy and loose fitting, sometimes in floral prints, especially with red  flowers.  Nothing like the stuff I normally find.  One after another store led me to these same things.  Luckily I resisted the temptation to buy any of these pieces.  What would I do with them now, a closet full of bride’s gear printed with her sad bouquet of betrothal?  Burn it happily!

I still don’t know what to say to L.? He writes to me everyday with such kind and love filled words.  He gives me no choice but to love him back.  But this default offering inspires no poetry or love songs to sing for him.  All I can do is report the days events and close out with a hug or one puritan kiss.  He must sense me drifting away so he loves me more and more.

My eyes feel so dry and itchy lately.  There’s a big gash on my right shin from hitting it on a low table.  Yesterday, everyone felt inspired to have a group picture taken framed by the upstairs window.  I was the only one who knew how to set the timer, but it was an impossible feat!  Ten seconds not enough to run up the stairs and down the hall to hang happily out the window in joy with all the others.  They really wanted it to happen though, so sure it could be done.  I gave it my best shot and knocked my leg on the way.  Everybody was so happy and fun yesterday.  I was not.

solar eclipsemini corntaximallshoppingbrideshappy people

My  head feels so itchy and I’m so tired.  This never ends.  Everyday I think I can rest but it never stops.  So much noise, so much talking, so much attention, I want it all to go away but it’s impossible.  I need this work.  It all got to continue.

So, yesterday, the thing with M., so wonderful!  They had cleared out all the chairs and tables for the reading with cushions and balnkets scattered around on the floor, harem style.  I was eager to stretch out and made myself a nice little bed and head rest.  M. sat beside me dutifully.  Immediately I felt more relaxed.  People stood around talking forever before the poet came out.  Jorge was his name.  He had the most beautiful voice.  It sang to me, lulling me into a delicious sleep but still awake, hanging on his every word, never wanting him to stop.  M. kept staring at me, I felt so uncomfortable and I avoided his eyes.  He took my hand and held it too tight, every once and awhile scratching and tickling my palm.  I wanted him to let go but also knew this it what he needs, so I tried to relax and let him.  I just wanted to listen and dream some more.  I closed my eyes for a little bit and it felt like I was floating in a dark green ocean, the gentle sound of Jorge’s words touching and rubbing against my skin like lacy green seaweed.  It made me think of L., mostly because he and Jorge are from the same place, their accents the same.  I felt the closest to L. than I have for a long time.  It made me want to go see his family, his kind and beautiful mother, his little nephews.  I knew M. had made this all happen.  I did look back in his eyes then.  He, M., is so consistent, so reliable, he never gets upset, never complains about other people.  Even in his body, he is so at ease, no achy feet or sore back.  I really admire this about him.  I think he was bored with the poetry.  I could see out the corner of my eye, his head nodding off to sleep and then jerking himself awake.

Jorge really gave me some much needed peace and rest.  I remember him saying at one point “la cara me embrujo, inky black fingers squeeze all life out of this sad heart, I want nothing more.”  I tried to think of S. but he was no where close but it was really okay.

I am so tired.  I don’t want to do anything today.

itchy

It’s middle afternoon now.  M. and I drank tea in the morning and then after he feels inspired to make his delicious breakfast of eggs and bacon.  Yesterday’s brightness diminished a bit.  I really was looking forward to quiet tea this morning, alone and not having to animate or move too much.   

I realized something today about S….wow, I guess I can’t really say it or write it now.  I know what it is but if I say it, it will put my whole professional career at stake.  I must be careful.  Neither of us can risk losing any standing whatsoever.  Instead I need to quietly work, make sure everything is perfect, every move felt with heart into hand.

M. gave me the greatest compliment today.  He said the tea I served him brought memories of his Grandmother, and was even better than his wife’s.  I can be finished now!  I wish it were that simple and easily satisfied.  Tomorrow I have agreed to accompany him to La Vie, some Spanish poet will read something.  He really wants me to go, even offered to buy me a new dress, but I know what this means, and I still said yes.  There is no turning back now.  I will surely cry all day tomorrow since I’m starting now.  I promise to take good care of him.

O! Yesterday, coffee with P.!  So fantastic!  He looked splendidly handsome.  I took his hand and held it the whole time, at least I wanted to.  We shared our news, nothing new, work, sick children, friends, family, really I don’t remember.  We made some kind of plan for evening walks along the river, but they will never happen.  I bought him a cute little stuffed cat somebody made by hand.  I found it at the street market.  It’s all black with a red face and button eyes.  He kissed it when I gave it to him.  I was so happy for hours after our little meeting.  I still am today.  

Had a really nice morning with M.  Easier now, not so congested feeling.  It helps that I didn’t see him all day yesterday, so today when I saw him, we drank tea and had much to talk about.  He even made a delicious breakfast of eggs and bacon.  

Yesterday, while out with T., after the movie, everybody was standing around talking about how good it was.  I could not help but trying to get a better look and understand who this one man was.  He was very tall and wore light colored clothes, not like everyone’s dark, night time clothes.  His hair was also light and he had a trimmed beard.  He looked so familiar, at first I thought he was the lead actor in the movie, not unrealistic because it was made our town.  He smiled once and I thought for sure it was the same guy.  I told T. and he went to go ask him and he wasn’t.  

I have been so wrong so many times lately.  Every time I am sure of something, in no less than one minute I’m smashedly proven wrong.  So what am I to do now.  Stop thinking, quit interjecting my opinions, I don’t know, but its embarrassing for me and disastrous for my reputation.  I’d rather be known as a tasteful offerer of poignant suggestions and opinions given lightly not often, but when said have sting because I’m right.  Not  this blurting out of absolutes and assurance only to have it blasted away into your WRONG. Can’t have sting if the bee is killed first.  So, I guess I should be a butterfly?  I don’t know, but it’s making me question my intuition, especially about M.  Is there really anything there, or is it just my hyperactive brain patchworking.  I guess ultimately you can’t sleep under the quilt until it’s made.  So, I wait and see, butterfly and be or continue with stupid since I’m doing that so well already.  

It’s Saturday morning, late of course, drinking tea, two kinds, green from Japan and some type of red bitter leaf tea from Jamaica.  Some friend’s of M.’s are here.  They brought him a loaf of french bread from the North.  

We left D’s house last nite very late.  The last ones as usual.  All of us sitting on the floor with cushions and blankets, two cats, passing around a glass ball, cups of tea and pieces of explosively delicious carrot cake begging to be eaten.  On the way home I fell asleep on M’s shoulder.  I told L. I would try to call him when I got home.  Thankfully there was no answer.  I was so tired.  The whole thing is so sad.  I know he will still want to see me everyday when I get back.  I will let him, my skin will not say no [and the left side salamander skin crossing apart will keep me there, Mike Maker will say no, and I will say no, the bamboo culture, raising financial profits and tax shelters, of coursing and a single answer will tuck me all back in bed, so waiting Fugazi, and the song always ends].

Still no word from S.

Have plans with T. today, to see some film made here in our little city.  Should be fun.  

Wondering about B.!  When will he arrive?

And P.!  It’s been way too long.  Dinner with him tomorrow hopefully!

-LATER-

Considering telling M. how I feel, or what it is I feel or something, or something. There’s this lack of movement, this sense of solidifying concrete, stifledness.  I know there’s a reason for it, it’s part of the job, but really I just don’t like it, don’t want constriction, more hippie flow.  Respect can be so destructive.  So I imagined having some kind of talk with him.  I didn’t get very far into it.  I also imagined him going with one of the other girls and this made me happy, even a little relieved.  Maybe I should just think about that.  And hope B. comes around soon.  

Out of anyone in the world the person I want to stay with the most, see every day and wake up with is S.  I think the thing that allows me to actually do this, to want and dream a way of life with him, is precisely because I can’t have it.  That’s really, really the best part.

Today’s song loop- I’m a baaaaaad man (sung by Jack Oblivian)

I wrote a very sad letter yesterday to L.  I didn’t intend to reach this conclusion, but after writing it the truth became undeniably clear and so sad.  I couldn’t continue writing, just sent it off with the requisite blessing and love.  

Paid the water bill today.  The tea is good.  M. is still sleeping, he lied about needing only three or four hours of sleep everyday.  He gets more, just like us less evolved humans.  It’s good to see this handwriting again.  It’s been a long time.  

I guess M. is moving in today.  No more of these quiet mornings, since we have to share the tea pot and all.  Why I wasn’t born into a big family, it would make this sharing thing all the more doable.  Instead it’s gotta be done like this, pecking away the crystallizing sediment.  

I was thinking about staying on here longer, as my visa will allow it, another ninety day segment, on into October.  O how great that would be!  The destruction and chaos!  L. would not be happy.  I would worry too much about C..  And I would have to wait longer to see S., not sure I can do that anyway.  But how terrific it would be, demanding it and doing it.  O boy, how I want to be!  I’m sure I won’t do it.  

Terrific day.  Lunch with P. and shopping but only a little bit because of N.  It was our first meeting and I didn’t want to be late, but I also didn’t want to be too ready either, so I left P. with only a quick look in the shops mirror and then over.  O how I want to break free on a continuos loop in my head.  There’s a modicum of mechanics in this whole set, like I’m running a pre-oreder plan, something picked out from a menu, by me?  probably by me.  I don’t know who or what could have, also or else, done it.  And why?  It seems like no thinking is involved, remember the dream riding the horse strapped to an all encompassing metal structure that was actually doing the walking and moving.  Deceitful but so happy!  It got me where I needed to go, it did the getting and deciding on it’s own.  O how I wanna break free, thanks Queen.

So anyway, off I went to see N.  Okay, I was a little excited, more thrilled, because he is new and fun and there’s all this possibility floating in the air.  This I love the most.  I hate it when it dies.  So yeah, we had fun, went to the park and sat stiffly on benches watching people and sometimes talking.  O how I want to break free.  N. likes chocolate and he wanted to take me to this shop he likes for these little cakes that explode or melt or do something extaordinary in your mouth.  Everybody in town is talking about them, and that is probably why the shop was sold out.  Too bad.  I was gonna enjoy watching him eat.

I remember watching L. eat.  He didn’t talk much when he ate, just kinda bent down, hunched over his food, gently picking it into his mouth, not looking up or around, not stopping until he was done.  I loved watching him.  O how I want to break free.

I wish I could sit in a chair that didn’t touch the ground, but instead hovered above it, but not all shakey-like.  It  could be attached to the ceiling with chains or rope like a swing, that’d be okay, just so long as it didn’t touch the ground.  The other day it was funny cuz all I wanted to do was lay on the ground in the sticky grass and dirt at D.’s house.  So I did and it felt really good until the ant bit my neck and then I didn’t like it anymore.

terrific dayQueen