September 1, 1997
D. talked with me today. One of those can I talk to you for a moment talks. I knew it was coming, if I could have avoided it I would have, and now, well I…, ok, so this is the attempt… she said some of the clients (I’m sure it was N.) said my attitude… I can’t face this now! Anyway, I’m suppose to be more HAPPY, say good morning, smile more (that’s my favorite). Ok, I can do all that. It’s my job. I have been lazy lately. I want something more, something different too, at least I want control and for the guilt to stop. I want detachment. I think of something N. said about his last girlfriend. He said she was cold-hearted and reptilian. Of course he didn’t like this quality, but to me, wow, it sounded great. I also think of M. He told me about a fight with his wife. He picked up the kitchen table and knocked everything off, all the dishes and cups broke when they hit the floor. She left him to clean it up all by himself. He said while he swept he realized how stupid he had been. The reason they fought was because his wife complained about how he tossed around so much in bed the night before. It kept her awaking her all night. M. told her he didn’t like waking up to a fight, first thing in the morning. He got more angry at her and it turned into a bigger fight, and him breaking the dishes, getting stupid.
I wish I lived back in South America. People just fought, it got done and then it was over. It’s how people talked, really loud, sometimes things got broke. You cleaned it up and got on with things.
It’s also why I liked S. so much. People always thought we were fighting. That one day, S. and I were talking outside and D. watching the whole thing through the window. She asked me later what we were arguing about. It must have been huge, all our hands flying in the air, fists, big motions and serious faces. We were just talking. I don’t even remember about what, catching the bus or what happened in the morning. It always felt like I was free to tell him anything, and in anyway, good bad ugly soft. He got it, he could listen all the way through to what was important.
Maybe this is what I need to concentrate on (I love strictums, I WILL BE or DO THIS NOW). Looking more intensely in eyes. Listening to what’s important. Especially with M. With no amount of hate, or disgust, my specialty lately. So, NO MORE of that, from this point on. When he drives me nuts, I just have to turn it around into intense understanding, and less, much less, of my stupid self.
Something weird happened yesterday. My voice changed. I had fallen asleep outside. I was with D., we’d been talking. She wanted to try something, a new meditation and massage technique she had just read about. I seem to be her favorite lab rat. We were sitting in the new pavilion D. had just built out back. There is no furniture in it yet so she brought out pillows and mats to sit on. I laid down and pulled a blanket over me. I could feel D.’s hands every once and awhile, poking at my feet. She did something to my arms and shoulders, especially my left shoulder. I turned onto my stomach to get more comfortable and she worked on my back. It’s here I can feel it today, between my shoulder blades, this big mass of muscle like concrete cracking. I guess I kinda fell asleep at some point because I remember waking up. It was twilight, the trees and their leaves dark and soft, birds were singing. I curled up, pulling my knees to my chest, blanket wrapped and covered. I felt so good, the most comfortable I’d ever been. D. was lying next to me on a different mat. We didn’t talk for a long time. When I finally did my voice sounded strange, deeper. I thought it was just from sleeping and not talking much, but it stayed like that all night. I’m not sure how it is right now. I haven’t talked much today. I have never heard myself talk in that voice before. I sounded old and smokey, but soothing, like aged whiskey, the first sip, when you feel it go all the way down. I think I will try and not talk all day.
