July 31,1997
Terrific day. Lunch with P. and shopping but only a little bit because of N. It was our first meeting and I didn’t want to be late, but I also didn’t want to be too ready either, so I left P. with only a quick look in the shops mirror and then over. O how I want to break free on a continuos loop in my head. There’s a modicum of mechanics in this whole set, like I’m running a pre-oreder plan, something picked out from a menu, by me? probably by me. I don’t know who or what could have, also or else, done it. And why? It seems like no thinking is involved, remember the dream riding the horse strapped to an all encompassing metal structure that was actually doing the walking and moving. Deceitful but so happy! It got me where I needed to go, it did the getting and deciding on it’s own. O how I wanna break free, thanks Queen.
So anyway, off I went to see N. Okay, I was a little excited, more thrilled, because he is new and fun and there’s all this possibility floating in the air. This I love the most. I hate it when it dies. So yeah, we had fun, went to the park and sat stiffly on benches watching people and sometimes talking. O how I want to break free. N. likes chocolate and he wanted to take me to this shop he likes for these little cakes that explode or melt or do something extaordinary in your mouth. Everybody in town is talking about them, and that is probably why the shop was sold out. Too bad. I was gonna enjoy watching him eat.
I remember watching L. eat. He didn’t talk much when he ate, just kinda bent down, hunched over his food, gently picking it into his mouth, not looking up or around, not stopping until he was done. I loved watching him. O how I want to break free.
I wish I could sit in a chair that didn’t touch the ground, but instead hovered above it, but not all shakey-like. It could be attached to the ceiling with chains or rope like a swing, that’d be okay, just so long as it didn’t touch the ground. The other day it was funny cuz all I wanted to do was lay on the ground in the sticky grass and dirt at D.’s house. So I did and it felt really good until the ant bit my neck and then I didn’t like it anymore.
