August 13, 1997

It’s middle afternoon now.  M. and I drank tea in the morning and then after he feels inspired to make his delicious breakfast of eggs and bacon.  Yesterday’s brightness diminished a bit.  I really was looking forward to quiet tea this morning, alone and not having to animate or move too much.   

I realized something today about S….wow, I guess I can’t really say it or write it now.  I know what it is but if I say it, it will put my whole professional career at stake.  I must be careful.  Neither of us can risk losing any standing whatsoever.  Instead I need to quietly work, make sure everything is perfect, every move felt with heart into hand.

M. gave me the greatest compliment today.  He said the tea I served him brought memories of his Grandmother, and was even better than his wife’s.  I can be finished now!  I wish it were that simple and easily satisfied.  Tomorrow I have agreed to accompany him to La Vie, some Spanish poet will read something.  He really wants me to go, even offered to buy me a new dress, but I know what this means, and I still said yes.  There is no turning back now.  I will surely cry all day tomorrow since I’m starting now.  I promise to take good care of him.

O! Yesterday, coffee with P.!  So fantastic!  He looked splendidly handsome.  I took his hand and held it the whole time, at least I wanted to.  We shared our news, nothing new, work, sick children, friends, family, really I don’t remember.  We made some kind of plan for evening walks along the river, but they will never happen.  I bought him a cute little stuffed cat somebody made by hand.  I found it at the street market.  It’s all black with a red face and button eyes.  He kissed it when I gave it to him.  I was so happy for hours after our little meeting.  I still am today.