August 23, 1997
We had a solar eclipse today. It was totally uneventful.
M. bought some mini ears of corn from the market today, already steamed and ready to eat. I’ve never seen these half sized corns before. Each kernel is the same size as regular corn but the stalk is half sized. They aren’t broken in half, you can see the stalk is finished off by growth and not broken. We are happily eating them up. M. and me are quite competitive when we eat, it’s actually funny, but as soon food is placed in front of us it we get so manically focused on eating just like kids in a big family who fear the food will run out before they have their fill. Same too when one of us starts eating something the other wants it too, it all of a sudden becomes highly prized and sought after. It’s just our chemistry creating this. We keep competing for space and air and commodities. Sometimes I feel like we are ancient warriors caught in a centuries long battle, just being in his presence brings out these feelings of fighting and pursuit and conquering. But because we are trapped in these polite forms of modernity these heavy feelings gets boiled down into petty games like dining together.
I am feeling a little better lately, at least there’s moments when I can look M. in the eye and not hate everything about him, but things are far from perfection in coexistence. The mornings are the hardest.
Two days ago I fled the house, collapsing inward with inability to deal any more. Luckily I caught a taxi right away. I told him to take me as far as he could with the little money I had in my pocket. I didn’t care where, I just wanted to go. I was sure distance would change my perspective, make it all go away, but it didn’t. I sat in the back of the cab unable to even move, barely breathing. I could feel nothing. I thought this is what it must be like on the verge of a nervous breakdown, the kind where you need medical attention.
The taxi stopped at the K.S. shopping mall. This place usually is so exciting and fun, I thought it would be a perfect distraction for this condition, maybe walking around and looking at stuff would bring me back. But I kept being attracted to the strangest things, all these white tops, gauzy and loose fitting, sometimes in floral prints, especially with red flowers. Nothing like the stuff I normally find. One after another store led me to these same things. Luckily I resisted the temptation to buy any of these pieces. What would I do with them now, a closet full of bride’s gear printed with her sad bouquet of betrothal? Burn it happily!
I still don’t know what to say to L.? He writes to me everyday with such kind and love filled words. He gives me no choice but to love him back. But this default offering inspires no poetry or love songs to sing for him. All I can do is report the days events and close out with a hug or one puritan kiss. He must sense me drifting away so he loves me more and more.
My eyes feel so dry and itchy lately. There’s a big gash on my right shin from hitting it on a low table. Yesterday, everyone felt inspired to have a group picture taken framed by the upstairs window. I was the only one who knew how to set the timer, but it was an impossible feat! Ten seconds not enough to run up the stairs and down the hall to hang happily out the window in joy with all the others. They really wanted it to happen though, so sure it could be done. I gave it my best shot and knocked my leg on the way. Everybody was so happy and fun yesterday. I was not.
